A CROWDED BEDROOM

THE CONCEPT OF FOURTEEN IN EVERY COUPLE’S BEDROOM

Most couples (according to this concept) retire to their beds most nights, especially when they must iron out pressing issues, with more than just the two of them. The idea that led to the research, investigation and presentation of this concept, was from a movie I walked into and didn’t stay long enough to see its end. But, what formed this concept left an indelible imprint on my mind, till I decided to do something with it. But, it was after I got married that the truth of this concept came alive to me; those times I was faced with what I consider one of the hardest things couples must do – talking things over. It didn’t take long (after I got married) for me to recall the small portion I watched, from a movie I hardly know the title. This footage from the movie kept coming back to me. (I can only remember that Bruce Willis was the husband in the movie; I am still finding out about the movie).

The portion or footage of the movie I watched, that formed this concept I am sharing with you, was where, when the couples had retired to bed together after the rigors of the day. I noticed that the guy’s parent, was sitting beside him, unseen and I think unknown to him and his wife; and same for the woman. The four parents were physically, practically present on the bed with couples. In fact, sometimes the mothers got up and move around to enforce their position in the ongoing talk time between the couples; and sometimes they blocked the ears of the couples from hearing each other. The fathers were just issuing stern caution on their wards not to deviate from the way they were raised. It got to the time when either parents were quarrelling with each other, the guy’s and the gal’s; at such times they had to wade in to make peace. Sometime the argument got so heated up, and you could hear the guy’s mum saying, ‘there you go again, like father like son (or daughter); you are just as head strong and unreasonable as your dad. But then the discussion switches, and you hear her advising the son, ‘you know us women we like to control; so, stand your ground, or this silly gal will rule you’. And at this the father jumps in saying, ‘hypocrite, there you go again, confusionist, you are neither here nor there’.

And this happens to the married every day, in their bedroom, workplace, business centers, shopping malls, markets, along the roads of life. It is not limited to the married alone, it also affects singles. The parents are not obviously, physically present, with us as they run our lives every day; they are in our heads. And they are mostly driving us crazy; expecting us to relive their lives. And all at a time (till we realize the impossibility of their expectations) we fell for such unreasonableness. Who is running your life, you or someone else. What is driving you crazy? Is it that your parents are expecting you to be a superhuman, where they had failed in their time; trying to through you correct their mistakes, poor decision and failure? It is time to standout for yourself and let them (whosoever) know that although you love their concern and attempts to protect you from erring, you want to be allowed to try out life, make your own fair share of mistakes and learn from them. Life without adventure can be very boring. So, venture your life, venture your dreams and vision; you may err, fail and fall sometime (and so what! what the elk?). sound rude and crazy, hmmm. This is exactly how our children when we drive them crazy with unreasonable expectations. Take these kids to an extent and let them be. Let them take over their lives at young adulthood. At this stage it is time to befriend them, and share in their dreams. Not forcing your dreams on them. Life is not smooth, so people make mistakes. Imprint in your wards hearts and minds the concept of failing forward; don’t threaten them with the misery of failure. Let them know that, “sometimes you win, sometimes you learn”. There is no failure for an already fallen creature. It is moving forward with your mistakes and learning from failed attempts.  

Don’t drive your children crazy; it is such poor and negative (overbearing, unreasonably demanding upbringing) that replays in their adult life. I am sure that the writer of the script for this movie, and the producer and the team of actors, in the footage, which brought about this robust presentation, must have had it in mind to show parents the damaging effect of a misleading example, and a not so good upbringing.  They had to show the parents to be somewhat physically present in the room with Bruce Willis and his wife. The idea is to communicate how powerful what we do and say in the presence of our children (how we address and treat them) could be in their later life. It is real life to them! The question that immediately jumps at us is, “what are they taking with them to their lives from your parenting and upbringing?” Yes, who will be with them in the bedrooms with their partners, and who are you to them at their moment of taking life decisions? Are you their cheerleader, a peacemaker, onlooker (watching them fail), judge, wise one, antagonist, associate, pal, troublemaker, confidant or friend? It is not too late to correct the situation; it is never too late. A note of the true picture of your life and an apology will still come in handy. If you have them with you; the better. But whichever, go about remedying the situations if your is already real so bad. Involve the Creator’s Spirit, infinite intelligence, He will help you to find a way around it.

This concept that I am sharing with you is an awesome piece of awareness. It is an awareness of what you may have been wrestling with unknowingly all these years -the loud invisible voices that had been running (and probably, sadly ruining) your life. A lot of people may have watched the same movie, had picked lessons from it; and are helped to better manage their marriages. It was so for me. Because I was a friend to my wife’s family before we got married, I knew her family, parents approach, views and way of life, to an extent. Armed with this knowledge, I know when either her mother or father or siblings or friends or the church and religion are interfering in our talk times. And sometimes, I just point it out to her; “that is daddy (mummy) speaking!” And for me, I know when my parents, the various guardians I stayed with, the book I have read, the tapes I have listened and the movies I have watched are talking to me, giving me suggestions, and talking through me.

Reiterating, there are at least four persons in a couple’s bedroom whenever issues are to be trashed out; they either sit beside or in betwixt them. These four people are their parents; the wife’s parents and the husband’s parents. What is the role of the four? The guy’s parents refer him to how they ran their home while he was still with them (; and how much they would want them to do the same or avoid their errors altogether) and the lady’s parents are doing the same. Are they ever actually in the room with them? Yes! They influence (control, manipulate and maneuver) them from almost the deepest part of their being: the subconscious mind, life’s regulating center. It is in the subconscious that attitudes are formed and rooted, and action initiated. Parents depending on the strength of their personality, live in (and can rule, to ruin or enhancement their children adult life) from the subconscious mind of the couples. When, where the couples are supposed to be alone, so others who saw them entering their room tend to think, their parents are with them. And, instead of the man and his wife to enjoy naked openness in their relationship, they are clothed in leaves, by pictures of their parents’ marriage (or whoever’s marriage, they were exposed to and or admired) imprinted in their mind.

Most times, people, instead of looking forward from where they are (and concentrate on how to make their lives, homes sweeter), are hooked up in (the habit of) looking to their parents’ marriage. They are mostly absentminded, and just bodily present, in those talk time sessions with their spouse. And looked at from another angle, they took along (with them) their parents to their new home. As adults, we have a choice to make: “leave where are coming from behind, so we can enjoy where we, and head for, reach where we are going”. My married friends, you are both adults; the challenge of a home is enormous, so why give room two old homes, in your marriage. And with two old homes in a new home, the possibility of establishing your home, and laying an endearing, enduring foundation for your children is remote. It is obvious that the old homes are choking your new home; denying you the possibilities of building your new home. This is sort of three homes struggling for room in one home; your new home. It is time to do away with the habit of looking back to your parent’s home; and focus on what you really want, where want to be as a couple.

My advice for couples is, “accept the reality –you guys are not as alone in your homes as you think” Until both of you intentionally, consciously remove the picture of your parents’ home, from your minds, building yours will be difficult. You are adults, and have come of age; thus, you are married! You picked each other out of the teeming billions of people in this planet. Now you are one; and the world is waiting on you to prove the “marriage arithmetic of 1+1=1” right. Guys, take your lives back and live it. It is not that your parents are evil; parent mostly mean well for their kids, at least so they think. Yet, in some cases, taking them along means trouble for the new home; since they may not have been good examples. I don’t think that the stuffs that happened back at our parents’ home is all bad; there is a lot of good memories the time we spent with them left in our hearts. But let’s face it; you guys did not come together to repeat their lives, marriage and home. You are a new home! Even if you had a very wonderful time with your parents at your upbringing, and your partner same (or maybe not so great); you both should design your home. Because you and your partner are from different parents (backgrounds, upbringing) it will be wise for both of you to design the kind of home you want to live and (grow your kids) in.

Let’s assume you love your parent’s life and marriage so much; take from it what fits into your design and move on with your lives. You could from time to time go back to their home to borrow the supposedly good stuff; and move on, till you see such need again. In today’s world it will be foolhardy for anyone (male or female) to want to force anything on their partner. You need to create talk time if you see the need to improve certain aspects of your live and home. Easier said than done, hmmm! In most societies of the world, the man takes the responsibility of heading the home, as such he is tasked to take his partner (and kids) along -not leaving her or them behind. He should avoid making his partner feel like she doesn’t count, the same applies to the ladies. By employing the principles of: “you adapt (or blend with them) to some extent, to adopt (or bend them) to your side”, and “there is oneness, strength, in diversity”, you can possibly have a hitch free marriage.

You love your parents, and you should; your partner may love theirs more. Yet, starting a new home is best done with your own design already worked out. It is still not too late, if you have none yet. Draft out a plan right now! I always prefer that the couples, first draft individual copies and then come together to bring out a common one. Come up with your design is still the place to begin if you suspect that your parents are dragging your space with you in your home.  It best to have a draft, design that is flexible enough to accommodate change in age, times, numbers, season etcetera; and should certainly accommodate and represent both of your interests. Your draft is likely going to contain, replicate some of what you saw your parents display, in their homes. You both should apply the principle of “give up and give in” throughout the discussions. Allow your partner to freely share their opinion; let them contribute their perspectives. And I can hear your partner saying, “If you find me worth listening to, then you probably are worth hearing”.

My research finding shows that it could be worse; for there are instances when, where more than your parents are interrupting the free flow of marriage and family life. Your grandparents, children, pastors (the leader of whichever group you identify with), the church, society, movies, exposures, etcetera, could be influencing your married life. Still the focus is one the fourteen of that grace your private moment with your partner. But how did we arrive at the number fourteen? We have you consulting your parents (mum and dad) in your mind, and they are consulting their both parents which resulted in their lives and home. You + your mum (and her mum and dad) + your dad (and his mum and dad), which sums to be seven on your side. Making seven on your side and seven on your partners side, which sums up to be fourteen. Yes, fourteen! For, these grandparents are actually involved in our private sessions with our partner, through our parent’s involvements.

Not only are they with you on your bed, they are running your home with you guys.  That makes fourteen persons dictating the flow of your lives; they and you. They are choking your lives, time and space. They have become a gang of uninvited mastermind alliance! Their presence welcomed and entertained makes time alone with your spouse scary; because you don’t hear each other anymore; just other people’s opinions. It doesn’t matter whether their marriage (of your proverbial mastermind alliance) worked or failed. It is that you are a brand-new home, a fertile ground; so, seek new seeds to plant on it. Mind you, the new seed is defined. But it is mostly a merger of your brand-new ideas and the good one you saw in your parents’ marriage.  The good news is that you had filtered out the not so good stuff and now know what can help. In remote cases, you may need to go for brand-new ideas all the way. Now that you have discover the trick your subconscious may be playing on your marriages, there’s no use fighting each other anymore. That is the wrong fight. The real battle is let go of your parents “wonderful marriage”, whether failed or successful.

This concept I am sharing with you helped me a lot. I have had to let go of some awesome, great relationships, due largely to my ignorance of some of the things I am sharing here. But then I got better at life, and settled for my wonderful wife. I am not saying that this concept is a leak free approach! But it helped me. Instead of just studying my wife and partner (then intended), I studied her parents, sibling and the flow of her home. I put in much effort in studying my intended in-laws. But it paid off! Now, I know when my wife is exhibiting her parents (either her mum or dad). And when it becomes unbearably negating, disturbing to the flow of our relationship, then it’s time to talk. I have been applying these principles: “give up and give in”, “If you see me worth listening to, then you probably are worth hearing”, “always seek oneness in difference”, and “learn to converge from your divergence.” And it works like magic every time I do.

More often than we want to admit, couples tend to want to exhibit traits of the environment they emerge from. They tend to want to be like their dad or their mom, and sometimes, that parent figure that they swore never to be like. It would take a lot of discipline, grace and constant practice to break free from the grip of negative, limiting parenting. The kid who grew under a recklessly drinking father, might turn out to be a drunk. The kid with the disrespectful mom might be turning out to be a disrespectful wife. The suppositions are not necessarily cast, some wonderful personality have emerged from not so good homes. It does not always end bad for kids with disturbing upbringing; but there is a tendency. Most couples approach issues the same way their parents approached (same) issues and they might even add the phrase – “My dad (or mom) did it this way”. This oftentimes get their spouses frustrated and detached. This leads to misunderstanding, and the frustration and disgust looms over their relationship. Frustration and anger builds up to contempt, then there is less and less communication. A gap is created. The couple no longer want to be in the company of each other. They practically begin to fall out of love for each other. Most certainly, pride creeps in with the thought of, “Why should I be the first one to talk to him? Why should I be the first one to talk to her?” The gap widens. No one wants to be the one to break the silence.

Be it in our marriages, at the workplaces, other relationships and whenever more than one person is involved (engaged) pursuing a common goal, this awareness of how to make room for the people in our lives is so useful. Most of these gaps are created because of ignorance of certain life principle one of which is “expression-impression”. The reason for lack of expression or no expression at (being non –expressive) and or improper expression  is mostly resulting from ignorance, laziness, pride, prejudices and been ill-equipped for a relationship. We create gaps or we allow gaps to exist in relationships mostly by refusing to address issues.  Issues, challenges pop up from time to time in relationships whether at home, marriages, parenting, workplace or elsewhere. Refusal to do anything about them is piling up trouble –creating gaps.

It is true most times that we don’t intend to create gaps but we do anyway. One way is wishing issues will settle themselves instead of doing something about them. Let’s come from the bedroom. The lady, woman, queen of the house is so tired (from whatever); that although she has been getting repeated lovemaking (it is sex time, I need you now) signal form her spouse, she instead ignores. This may go on from time to time (or may run for days on stretch); and gaps are being created. And even when we know that there is situation that need attending to we are just keep hoping (being naïve) that the issue will wear out; but they seldom do. For the experience and encounters I had in coaching sessions says differently. Coaching (therapy) sessions I have had confirms that we were (or are) just being naïve, whenever we postpone addressing issues for later. They don’t go away; they pile up. And things gradually begin to fall apart until sadly (in some cases) the center cannot hold, and there is a broken relationship -sometimes a relationship split.

Are you so tired that you cannot even apologize for failing to respond appropriately to your spouse (or friend, colleagues, leader, or boss)? When your spouse calls for example, say a scheduled call, were you present to pick his or her call? Possibly, you forgot, which of cause is human! Did you call back or at least felt responsible to return the call? Perhaps you heard the call and didn’t pick it because you were avoiding a nuisance call, or you’d not readied yourself for the call. Or, you were tired, or just plain silly, that you ignore their call; and you had done so repeatedly, it had become a habit. Whatever! And when you did pick the call, instead of apologizing, you quickly blamed it on something or someone else. The best thing to would be to apologize right there; and make decided effort to always take or returns their calls immediately (or soonest).

Are you so tired out of pursuit of the other business of life? Don’t let it take its toll on your marriage! Wise up my dear friend; give quality time and attention to your marriage. Majority of us, react (and at best act) to issues. To be proactive is better than being active (or reactive) to the issues of life. In most case, a threat to the peace of our relationship, suddenly bring us alive and ready to make it work. Don’t wait for trouble; close those gaps; as you make effort, intentioned effort to work on your area of weakness. I think attentions, appreciation; and an accommodating atmosphere, actions and attitudes is what any relationship feeds on. Also build on your strong points, and always display them, in fact magnitude those area where you are outstanding.

While couples work on taking out the other taking out the additional twelve actors out of their bedrooms, parents should also work on leaving their kids be. A lot of parents want to be physically present in their children’s marriages. Interfering in their decision-making processes. This way they are messing with the children’s minds, and thereafter their marriages. If parents are unable to take initiative to allow their children enjoy their marriages by making their own decisions, then children should be ready to stand up to their parents and tell them off. This of course, should be done in the most respectful way, by making them to understand that even though they would remain your parents forever, you are no longer kids to be tossed about.